Can I be all of myself and make a living?

Wed, Feb 26, 2025

The internet isn’t working, so now seems like the perfect time to write.

I feel guilty—maybe even a little like a failure—for not writing much in February. Until now, I hadn’t published a single blog post all month.

At the same time, I’m trying to extend myself grace and compassion.

I’ve been sick for four weeks straight. In the beginning, when I thought it was just a simple sinus and ear infection, I told myself, Oh goodie, no work for a week! I’ll get so much done.

Ha!

Turns out, I needed to sleep. I got so miserable that I had no choice but to rest.

I am horrible at resting. At doing nothing. At giving my brain space to be bored.

While I was too sick to function, my house became a disaster. So, once I started to feel a little better, I spent my energy slowly restoring order. It wasn’t about productivity—it was about sanity.

And just as I was recovering, my damaged S1 disc decided to act up. The pain was so bad I couldn’t stand up straight or walk. For two days, I only got up to use the bathroom and grab food.

Worse than the pain itself was the fear: What if this doesn’t get better? What if I can’t work? No one wants to hire or keep an assistant or childcare specialist who’s viewed as unreliable or unhealthy.

Living paycheck to paycheck, the constant fear of losing my ability to work—and with it, my home—never really leaves me.

Fri, March 7, 2025

I think there’s more to it than what I wrote above.

Part of the reason I haven’t posted much isn’t just that I’ve been sick or exhausted. It’s that I don’t know what to share.

Or rather, I want to share everything, but society isn’t very kind to people who don’t fit neatly into its expectations.

As someone who masks in most situations, I never quite know when it’s safe to unmask.

Even here, where I’m relatively anonymous, I hesitate. I don’t know if it’s safe to be myself. Or at least, all the parts of myself.

I could separate things—have different blogs for different aspects of me. Keep everything compartmentalized, curated, digestible.

But I don’t want to live as a brand. I want to live as a person.

Can I be all of myself and still make a living?

Do other people feel this way too?

Am I alone?

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